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3 common responses to an affair.

After the affair is known..

Once an affair is revealed, the non-offending spouse is left questioning everything.  Most will readily admit that they were not perfect and they knew of issues that needed to be worked on, but will seldom justify in their mind their spouse going outside the marriage.  Hurt, betrayal, and broken trust are just a few common obstacles that require navigation in the days, weeks and months to come.  

After helping several couples struggle through an affair situation, I have found that there are usually three predominate responses.

  1. The first is that they both want to work through the infidelity and are willing to take the necessary steps to begin that process.
  2. The second response is that one or both are not sure if they want to continue investing in the relationship and are seriously contemplating divorce.  
  3. The third possible response is that the one in the affair does not want to remain in the marriage and the non-offending spouse wants to desperately save the marriage.  

Whichever the response may be, one fact remains the same, you must focus individually. Realizing that you cannot force change in anyone else is vital in this process.  

One thing I encourage all my clients who are coming out of an affair situation to do is to:

“Get to a point that you are able to stand in front of a mirror and truly say that they have done everything in their power to make this marriage work.”  

No matter the outcome, if you can make that statement your healing process will be much easier. After all, that is what the process is, a healing process. It will still be a difficult road, but you’ll find peace in knowing that you did all you could.  If you can’t make that statement then your healing process will be more difficult.  Such consequences may not show up right away, but will eventually surface usually in the next relationship.  

If you find yourself working through an affair or suspect your spouse to be in one, please seek guidance.  Being able to have a trusted confidant while you’re navigating uncharted territory can offer much needed support and encouragement.  

Cornerstone Christian Counseling Services is proud to serve in the capacity that we do. We have recently added to our staff to ensure that all who call on our office are able to be seen in a timely manner.  We are excited about bringing even more hope and healing to those hurting in our community, blending our Christian beliefs with our professionalism.

You are not alone. Contact our office today. 918-392-4008

You can also schedule with a counselor through email.


Infidelity Truths - Cornerstone Christian Counseling - Couples Therapy

The Infidelity Trap

Infidelity Truths

Infidelity is one of the most devastating blows a marriage can experience.  The current statistics surrounding infidelity are alarming at best and downright frightening when you find yourself in the odds.  Some estimations say 30-60% of marriages will experience infidelity, with a few studies reaching as high as 80%.  Most all researchers agree that it’s very difficult to accurately assess how wide spread this problem is due to its secretive nature. From all accounts the estimations are conservative figures.  One thing remains certain, infidelity is one of the most difficult challenges that any marriage can experience.  

Most infidelity can be blamed on opportunity.  There is no place that opportunity knocks louder than the workplace.  Most affairs start out very innocent.  No one wakes up one morning and says, “I think I’ll get involved with someone from work.”   Spending large amounts of time around the same individual is how most inappropriate relationships begin.  At first, the thoughts are truly pure in nature, “wow, that person is so nice, they are easy to talk to.”  We first identify the relationship as a good friendship, nothing more.  As time progresses, the friendship deepens, opening the door to disclosing personal information.  Before long, one’s thoughts often drift towards wondering what the other person is doing and looking forward to seeing them.  As the infidelity trap deepens, people begin to find reasons why they need to have interaction with the other person.  

The relationship progresses and physical touch soon becomes desired.  It begins with a simple touching of the hand or shoulder, completely innocent or that’s what one tells themselves, all along fulfilling a dangerous desire.  Before long, the physical connection grows into something that neither person had set out to achieve.  What makes infidelity so powerful is that people experience feelings that they don’t know how to process.  Intellectually, they’ll know what they are doing is wrong but struggle understanding if it’s so wrong, why does it feel so right.  Never before have they experienced such an intense connection with another person, and become consumed with the fixation.  

While the infidelity trap deepens, soon thoughts of justification begin to rationalize destructive behaviors.  In effort to ease their conscience, they usually turn to blaming others for their choices. The onslaught of blaming comes with such force that reasoning and all rational thought is thrown out the window.  Destruction continues as two individuals experience consequences of such behavior. The days ahead are met with disbelief from one spouse and anger from the other.